Maybe

It’s an interesting feeling knowing that you are completely heartbroken while acknowledging how irrational it is at that moment. I am sick with heartbreak. I am devastated right now. The last two nights as I laid in bed, I begged to any power that would listen to let me fall asleep and to not let me wake up. I’ve been in this place before but it was under very different circumstances. The loss I’ve suffered was powerful and immense. But why? Not because of time invested.

I’d known this girl for a full week plus the one day I met her a full week prior. I’d been aware of her existence for two full weeks before I was begging the divine to take me in my sleep so as to spare me from the thought of her and the realization that I’ve lost her. WHAT?! What did I just say? Am I a fucking loon? Listen to yourself Sutton, you sound like a teenager who’s crush checked “no” on the note you passed to her in class. You sound like a child. Like straight up, no questions, Jeff Dahmer type energy without all the murdering.

Yeah. Well. Let’s continue. I’ve stated previously that I love immensely and unforgivingly once releasing access to that part of my brain. Or heart. Whatever. But is part of the reason it’s so difficult for me to give love the subconscious understanding that my love is so grand? It is a force that can’t be unleashed on just anyone. Historically, that would be a sound and even strong explanation. But I’ve known this girl for two weeks. What has she done to earn access to this leviathan of human emotion and why was the opportunity to bestow it on her stolen from me just as I was prepared to?

Maybe it’s because she tried to tell me she loved me. Maybe all I needed was to know she was there with me, for real. Standing there holding my hand saying, “I’m terrified of you but I won’t lose the eye contact we’ve held for the last several minutes.”

God I love eye contact. It might be the most intimate thing a person could do to me. No time for this tangent.

Maybe it has something to do with how she was clearly fighting it as well. She didn’t want to love me. But she didn’t have a choice. The gods divined it and who are we to battle against their will? She didn’t want to give me, a stranger, a peak into that ABSOLUTELY FUCKED mind. Knowing, full well, that there is nothing in the history of existence I would want more. If that was the case, then why would she abandon it? Deny me suddenly and without explanation. That can’t be it.

I’m, surely, not the only person who loves so rarely and so immeasurably just to have the gift of it denied before it was even presented. What was the answer for the others? Maybe that’s what it was. Maybe I waited too long to give it over. I don’t think so. Maybe she scared herself. I know she’s been hurt before and she knew that I “WANTED” to be slow and careful. So she learned that she was growing affectionate and that, apparently, I didn't want it. So she just shut it off the only way she could. By disappearing me. That’s not good enough either.

I just know that two weeks of knowledge, five days of conversation and three days of intimacy, is not enough to explain the craving I have for the sweet release of Catatonia.

Maybe I’ve lost my mind.

Maybe she put a spell on me.

She was a witch, after all.

Maybe I should try and sleep.